Breaking up is hard to do :(

So, it's official. I'm breaking up with my IPs. I am heart-broken over it, but it's just been one thing after another, and this just isn't feeling like this is where I'm meant to be. The last time I ignored that little voice in my head that said maybe this isn't my ideal situation, I ended up divorced less than a year into my marriage. So, at least this time we didn't get as far as swapping bodily fluids, right?

After some emails to the nurse, the doctor finally called me at 4:45 this afternoon. Turns out there's an issue with J that can take anywhere from 3-12 months to resolve. Apparently they've decided to use S as the genetic father at this time, but I'm just not feeling like this is the match for me anymore. And, based on our history, if I stayed with this couple, as great as they are, something new would happen next week to push us back yet again, and then I'd be kicking myself.

I have massive guilt over this. I like J, and the little I know of S. My case manager is going to write the break-up email, but she said I can email them myself after she's had a chance to if I feel it's necessary. And I do. I  don't imagine us maintaining contact, but I just hope they aren't mad at me, and I hope they get their baby as soon as possible. I haven't met S, but I know J is going to make a great father. I wonder if I can send them a baby shower gift, whenever it does happen.

This match just hasn't been what I was hoping for since the beginning. At every step we've met obstacles, and we were assured that they spoke English, which is important to the relationship I had hoped to build. J speaks English, but doesn't write it, and S does neither. Our emails have been mitigated by Google Translate, which amounts to us talking at each other more than communicating. I want so dearly to be part of a baby-making team, instead of being outsourced (that is not a disparagement to the fantastic women who have and will carry for foreign IPs, you're stronger than I am, just how I would feel working with IPs with whom communication is very limited). So I'm taking my out, and I'm running with it. I sincerely hope that I'm the one who is hurt the most in this situation, and J & S find a surro better suited to their situation to help them build their family.

And me, I still desperately want to be having me a gayby. ASAP. It looks like this decision will lead me to another agency, as well. I don't think that I've named my agency specifically, but regardless, I have nothing bad to say about them. The staff and the director have been amazing. They've gone above and beyond, and have been unbelievably accessible and supportive. Unfortunately, they don't tend to cater to a lot of American gay couples, just by happenstance, and we seem to be in agreement that, if that's what I'm looking for, and I am, this is not the place for me to be. I'm sad to be leaving them, but I am not interested in waiting around here when they are other agencies with plenty of couples that fit my desires waiting for a surro. I just hope that the doctor can transfer my screening records so that we can get this show on the road.

Tonight: wallowing. Tomorrow: new adventures.