Warning, a rant fueled lightly by rum & coke lies within:
So, on Sunday we had a great visit with J, our IF, which ended with him telling me they were still going to try and use the original egg donor, contingent on J's not being a cystic fibrosis carrier. I knew that J was meeting with the doctor on Thursday, so I've been waiting anxiously all week for confirmation of some sort of plan.
Yesterday (Thursday) morning, I emailed my case manager, fishing for information about the appointment. Normally she's great at responding in a super timely manner, if only to say she's looking into an issue, so I already was feeling like it was a little weird I didn't hear back from her all day. Finally, today at 6:30 in the evening I got an email saying that the doctor would call me "with an update on J and explain the delay, sorry. Once you have heard from (the doctor) please let me know so we can see where you stand on waiting still." Um, huh? This sounds kind of cagey and serious.
Since it was almost 7 on a Friday evening, I was thinking I wasn't going to be hearing from the doctor anytime soon, so I responded, pleading for a bit more information. Are we talking extra testing, a few more weeks, or egg donor issues, a few more months? Turns out it's going "to be a longer wait, a few months, donor issues and more. Doc will explain." Wait, what? What's "more?" Why can't you explain? What's going on and why does it always have to happen before a freaking weekend when the business world shuts down, but my brain keeps on plugging away on its obsessive track? I will still be checking my email with a frequency bordering on addiction, just in case someone forgets that it's Saturday and decides to bless me with some information. And what is happening that is so important that the doctor has to explain? My case manager and the nurses have always been the ones to impart the information before, why is this so different? Clearly it's freaking me out a little bit.
So I have the weekend to stew. To stew over the "more" and the "where (I) stand on waiting still." On one hand, I am, at heart, an extremely loyal person. I literally have guilt for thinking these thoughts. On the other hand, if I'm being honest with myself, I'm having second thoughts about our current situation.
Pro: J seems like a really great guy, and I really enjoyed spending time with him, and my family liked him as well. I've invested time, and he's invested both time and money into this match. I want for him to have his baby(ies) as soon as possible. Also, what does it say about my character that I would jump ship over an extended wait? Who's to say if I found another couple, things would move any smoother?
Con: I understand that things don't always follow a schedule in the real world, but I was told, in May, that we should be transferring in September, at the latest. Now we're looking at, what, December? Next year?! If we hit no more roadblocks, that is. And this is where my biggest issue is, I think: I believe in kismet/fate/destiny/whatever. Things happen for a reason. And that small part of my brain sees all these issues as the universe's way of saying "get out while you can, this isn't the place for you." And the fact that I like J so much is actually playing largely into the con side. It makes me so sad that I'll probably only see him a few more times, at the most, and I don't hear from him on a regular basis; the language and time differences mean that I'll probably never text him to tell him his baby just kicked or post a sono pic on his Facebook. Tonight I am feeling that, back in May, I made the wrong decision to match with J & S. Not because they aren't great people, and won't make fantastic fathers, but I just don't know if they're the couple to make this journey what I've dreamt it could be. And I know it's not all about me; in the long view of this whole baby-making story, I'm just a supporting character. But, for my own mental well-being, I should try and make things a little bit about me, on occasion.
I am feeling so stuck right now. I can hardly stomach the thought of stepping out of this arrangement. I can't handle the idea of hurting J & S and wasting their time and money and forcing them to have to find another surro. On the other hand, I've been shushing this voice in my head for months now, the one I clearly should have listened to when it first said, "Are you sure you want to be matched with a couple on the other side of the world?" And the voice seems to get more ammunition as the process wears on. At what point can I say that this isn't working out for me? Do I want to say that? What is the "more," dammit?!